I’ve learned a lot in the last 13 weeks. More than I wanted to learn, actually. Most of it has smelled bad, tasted bad and felt bad. That’s not to say I’m not grateful to be pregnant. I am. I just thought I would be more, ummm, glowing. Or something. I’m the opposite of glowing, which I suppose means I’m dim. Yes, I’m dim. Quite dim. But dim with a smile – most of the time.

Because I’m the last of most of my friends, family and clients to have a baby I thought I knew what I was up against. I’ve certainly heard tons of stories about pregnancy. And I’ve listened well – knowing (hoping) I would one day be the prego one. But, here’s what no one ever told me. . .

1. You might not be able to prepare your own food. For months on end.

2. You might end up at the grocery store everyday, wandering aimlessly, trying to find one thing that doesn’t make you want to barf.

3. You might buy expensive organic produce daily – swearing you will make yourself gag it down. A week later, you may have to tell your husband to throw it away, because you cannot even open the refrigerator, let alone eat anything out of it – ESPECIALLY anything resembling a vegetable.

4. You might adopt the Public School Hot Lunch Diet – where tater tots and ketchup count as vegetables. Because, let’s face, they are the only “vegetables” you can get down. And you might need them everyday.

5. You might find one food that you can actually tolerate and buy a whole bunch of it. Only to find out that everything has about a 3 time limit. Nothing tastes good after you’ve had it 3 times. Which is really challenging when there are only about 3 things in the world that sound at all appealing (tots, ketchup and sometimes burritos.)

6. You might feel overwhelmed for every minute of everyday because you just feel like a really big piece of poop. All the freakin’ time. You will feel very sorry for people with chronic illnesses. How do they go on feeling horrible day in, day out??? At least I get a baby out of the deal. Reminder: I’m very lucky.

7. You might not be able to back out of your driveway. Reverse = intensified All-Day-Morning Sickness.

8. You might curse technology. Why does everything involve scrolling screens (email, Facebook, texts)?!? Scrolling = intensified All-Day-Morning-Sickness.

9. You might ignore emails, texts facebook messages for days on end due to above scrolling challenges.

10. You might lose much love for your beloved dog (your first baby!) due to the horrendous smell you swear she never had before. You think it’s her breath. You start calling her Dirty Tampon Breath (DTB) and spend all day telling her to get away from you.

11. You may take said dog to the vet, insisting she has some sort of infection in her mouth or booty or both. The vet will tell you she does not. This DTB is just her normal sweet scent that you never noticed as offensive before.

12. Your most intimate relationship may be with your pillow. Perhaps because you spend all day dreaming of when you get to lie your head on it again. You will feel bad – as your husband has long been neglected. You get over it quickly and get kinda mad that he doesn’t have to feel like a big piece of poop like you. Totally unfair.

13. You might become terrified and horrified by your rapidly growing Mommy Boobs. Your friends laugh at you, telling you they will continue to grow at a rapid pace for another 7 months AND THEN get “really big” (they are already “really big” in your eyes) when you start nursing. You will definitely need to start saving up for a breast reduction.

14. You might end up in a bar, by yourself, at 3pm, eating beer battered fish tacos – even though you’ve never had beer battered fish tacos in your life. You won’t enjoy even one bite of them (although the chips are dang good), but your belly has never been happier. You worry that your child is made so happy by such a disgusting food. And you worry that you will want to go to bars alone everyday at 3pm.

15. You might watch people in public and on TV sip wine and find yourself insanely jealous. Not because wine sounds good – it doesn’t. But, goll dang – you miss a little vino buzz.

16. You might find that exercise is the only thing that makes you feel better. Even if it just lasts for 20 minutes. On the downside, exercise makes you more hungry than you’ve ever been in your life. You want to eat a horse. The entire horse. By yourself. Except that horse meat and all other meat sounds miserable to chew.

17. You might be really disappointed that the main three things you used to live for: coffee, wine and chocolate, don’t even sound a little bit good to you. Now what is there to live for? Oh yeah, tots – and beer battered fish tacos, apparently.

18. You might try to suck it up one night to make dinner – since it has been well over a month since you prepared a meal for yourself and the hubs. You might end up with raw chicken in one hand, a huge butcher knife in the other, puking over the kitchen sink, while peeing your pants. You hope you’ve hit rock bottom. Because you’re fairly certain there is nothing worse than this.

19. You may wake up on Day 1 of Week 12 certain that your All-Day-Morning-Sickness will go away – because a million moms told you 12 weeks is the magic number – only to have your pukiest day ever (see #18.)

20. You might think you are a rock star because you are growing a person. But you’re so distracted by feeling so lame, you can’t really brag about your awesomeness.

21. You might want to go buy teeny, tiny little baby clothes. But you feel too miserable to reverse out of your driveway (remember, Reverse = intensified All-Day-Morning Sickness.) So you buy stuff on Zulily. Everyday. Except for a couple days when the scrolling is too painful (remember, scrolling = intensified All-Day-Morning Sickness.)

22. You might find yourself in the middle of Lululemon in a moment of feeling human, thinking you can shop for a bit. Then you cough and start peeing your pants and have to run out. You remember that, for the time being, you really aren’t very human. You are just kind of gross. (And why did NO ONE warn you about peeing your pants in Tri 1?!?)

23. You wonder why the heck your friends, family, clients did not warn you more appropriately about all this junk. I mean, how did they forget it all – it all seems pretty dang memorable!

You go to your 12 week ultrasound and see a little baby doing flips all over your belly and you realize none of what you’re going through is that bad. And you are awesome for growing a human. And you are certain you will pee all over the ultrasound table if the tech keeps pushing on your belly, but you could care less. You realize your friends, family and clients didn’t warn you about #1-23 because they don’t remember it. It’s not the important part. Little Flipper is the important part.

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